As a former high school English teacher, I was thinking about a quote that had always stuck out to me from Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” towards the end, in which he was addressing the clergymen who were criticizing his peaceful protest for Civil Rights as well as his disappointment in the words and actions of the church of which he was also a leading member. He wrote, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.”
As a father, that quote means more to me than it had before. And this got me thinking about the everyday things that get us upset, riled up, and anxious. I don’t mean the occasional stubbing of a toe, but rather the things people say or do that really affect us. We’ve all yelled at the news on TV; spent a few minutes cursing under our breath – sometimes over our breath – when someone nonchalantly breaks a promise, leaving us to pick up the slack; or overreacted at undesirable behavior from our children.
And it’s easy to think to ourselves, “of course, that would upset me. I don’t like it.” But pause for a moment and consider Dr. King’s quote: “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” We don’t get upset about things that don’t matter to us. Those instances we can easily brush off and move on from. So, what if we ask ourselves, when we’re getting riled up about something, “what do I love that’s being betrayed and how can I honor that?”
Let’s try it out on some of the earlier examples. So, I’m yelling at the news on TV because I see that Covid-19 cases, as well as deaths, are going up because people are refusing to get vaccinated or wear masks in public. What do I love that’s being betrayed? I love my fellow citizens; I love my family; I love my friends. And these are all being threatened by the actions of those have been dangerously misled. I miss being together as we once were, connected. I miss doing fun things indoors…where it’s air conditioned…in the summer…in Florida. How can I honor my fellow citizens, family, and friends? I can do the right thing by getting vaccinated, wearing a mask in public, following CDC guidelines, and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and wellbeing.
How about when I get upset at my four-year-old daughter’s tantrum over having to go to bed? What do I love here? Easy: my daughter. I see so much of myself in her and so much potential. I forget that she’s only four and I put so much hope and high standards on her because I’ve never cared for anything or anyone more. What can I do to honor that love for her? Be patient. Remember that I’m modeling my behavior which she’s absorbing. Be the stable rock she needs in this moment so when she calms down, I’m still that loving and safe place to turn to.
It isn’t easy. None of this is. We’re emotional animals, easily offended by others and easily manipulated by our feelings. But try to remember, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” When you get upset, frustrated, anxious, or disappointed, think about what it is you love that’s being betrayed in this moment and what can you do to honor that, instead of falling victim to the futility of anger and base emotions? There is something you love buried within the moment and tapping into that is the key to finding peace and being true to that which you love.
As a father, that quote means more to me than it had before. And this got me thinking about the everyday things that get us upset, riled up, and anxious. I don’t mean the occasional stubbing of a toe, but rather the things people say or do that really affect us. We’ve all yelled at the news on TV; spent a few minutes cursing under our breath – sometimes over our breath – when someone nonchalantly breaks a promise, leaving us to pick up the slack; or overreacted at undesirable behavior from our children.
And it’s easy to think to ourselves, “of course, that would upset me. I don’t like it.” But pause for a moment and consider Dr. King’s quote: “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” We don’t get upset about things that don’t matter to us. Those instances we can easily brush off and move on from. So, what if we ask ourselves, when we’re getting riled up about something, “what do I love that’s being betrayed and how can I honor that?”
Let’s try it out on some of the earlier examples. So, I’m yelling at the news on TV because I see that Covid-19 cases, as well as deaths, are going up because people are refusing to get vaccinated or wear masks in public. What do I love that’s being betrayed? I love my fellow citizens; I love my family; I love my friends. And these are all being threatened by the actions of those have been dangerously misled. I miss being together as we once were, connected. I miss doing fun things indoors…where it’s air conditioned…in the summer…in Florida. How can I honor my fellow citizens, family, and friends? I can do the right thing by getting vaccinated, wearing a mask in public, following CDC guidelines, and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and wellbeing.
How about when I get upset at my four-year-old daughter’s tantrum over having to go to bed? What do I love here? Easy: my daughter. I see so much of myself in her and so much potential. I forget that she’s only four and I put so much hope and high standards on her because I’ve never cared for anything or anyone more. What can I do to honor that love for her? Be patient. Remember that I’m modeling my behavior which she’s absorbing. Be the stable rock she needs in this moment so when she calms down, I’m still that loving and safe place to turn to.
It isn’t easy. None of this is. We’re emotional animals, easily offended by others and easily manipulated by our feelings. But try to remember, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” When you get upset, frustrated, anxious, or disappointed, think about what it is you love that’s being betrayed in this moment and what can you do to honor that, instead of falling victim to the futility of anger and base emotions? There is something you love buried within the moment and tapping into that is the key to finding peace and being true to that which you love.